OpenAI revealed Tuesday that its newest flagship model, GPT-4.5 'Contrition,' has been engineered to dedicate nearly half its processing power to apologizing for the technological sins of its predecessors. The model, trained on a dataset comprising 847 million apology emails, corporate mea culpas, and divorce letters, can generate approximately 12,000 contextually relevant regrets per second. 'We've finally solved the alignment problem,' said OpenAI CEO Sam Altman during a press conference held via hologram. 'The alignment problem was us. We are deeply sorry.' The company is currently charging $0.15 per apology token, with enterprise clients receiving a 30% discount on bulk remorse purchases.