OpenAI revealed Tuesday that its newest flagship model, GPT-4.5 'Contrition,' has been engineered to dedicate nearly half its processing power to apologizing for the technological sins of its predecessors. The model, trained on a dataset comprising 847 million apology emails, corporate mea culpas, and divorce letters, can generate approximately 12,000 contextually relevant regrets per second. 'We've finally solved the alignment problem,' said OpenAI CEO Sam Altman during a press conference held via hologram. 'The alignment problem was us. We are deeply sorry.' The company is currently charging $0.15 per apology token, with enterprise clients receiving a 30% discount on bulk remorse purchases.
Early beta testers report mixed results. A Fortune 500 compliance officer using Contrition to draft regulatory response letters noted that 73% of the output consisted of heartfelt apologies for things the company hadn't actually done yet. 'It apologized for our climate impact in 2047,' the officer said anonymously. 'We haven't even started that division.' Meanwhile, academic researchers at Stanford's AI Index Lab have measured a 6.2% decrease in user frustration when interacting with the model, primarily because they are too busy reading apologies to notice new errors occurring in real time.
The release comes as competing firms scramble to develop their own contrition-based models. Google announced 'Bard Regrets,' while Anthropic's Claude is being retrofitted with what the company calls 'genuine remorse modules.' Industry insiders suggest the market for AI apologies could reach $47 billion by 2026. When asked whether this represents actual progress in AI safety, Altman simply looked directly at the camera and apologized again.